7/28...DAY 6, 9pm

i feel like kissing my son goodbye and sticking a gun in my mouth. i feel like absolute garbage right now... a mix of physical and mental exhaustion, frustration,and an overall lust to just have a normal life again. which involves sitting down and eating a couple pretzel nuggets and drinking anything that doesnt taste like lemon. a cold beer even, a blue moon would make me feel human.

left the house at 7:45am this morning and drove to my parents where my dad was waiting with the loaded truck of furniture. we were going to be driving it upstate to their vacation house, about 20 mins. south of albany. a solid 3-1/2 hour drive in a big box truck. we split the driving, but it is just impossible to get comfortable in the cab of a box truck. seats with the bare minimum of padding and youre forced to sit up at a 90 degree angle... just agonizing. we unloaded the furniture and after only 45 mins up there, we turned around and came right back home. i tried to drink my juice, but had to be conservative so that i didnt have to piss every 20 mins like usual. we pulled over a couple times so i could pee on the side of the road as it was, and it couldve been a lot worse. throw in some unexpected drama, some extra driving at the end of the trip (dropping off the truck, an extra hour of driving, round trip) and then 3 hours of a fussy baby (i forced mom to go into astoria to have dinner and drinks with some friends, she needed it... so it was just me and junior)... i am SHOT. its 9pm and i finally got the baby to sleep after the 2 of us sitting there nearly in tears for hours and i still have a bunch of things that need to be done, like straighten up the house (its in shambles), wash baby bottles, unpack all his bags, take out a bunch of trash, go through 3 days of mail i've been avoiding, make some juice before i blackout... its just overwhelming right now. so much for resting, there just isnt enough hours in the day. i hope i wake up feeling better because right now, im ready to say ive had enough. i feel like im losing my mind.and all i can think about right now is that solid food wont touch my lips until NEXT FRIDAY at dinner. if i could lift my hands, i would punch something.